I am wading my way through a small room of warm bodies at a work event.
I have my professional bag and my professional shoes and business cards in my left hand.
I have a name tag that describes a thing I’m supposed to be but am not somehow.
I can’t find the switch that can turn on a room on anymore so I will shake hands but not move hearts and this is a struggle.
A man walks up to me with complete purpose.
He smiles at me like it is his surprise and delight to find me here.
He starts to tell me about his work, his life, what brought him to this event, but also to this moment.
He is smiling at me.
I can feel myself smiling in return.
I am nodding at all the right places and asking all of the right questions.
He is handsome and tall,
Scarred but, still tender.
He is smiling at me.
I can feel myself smiling in return.
This should feel like a warm breeze through my day because truly, it is.
He is smiling at me and
I am smiling at him.
But my legs are shaking
And my spine is stiff.
I am no one’s warm breeze.
I take his card and his smile to my car and
I surrender the breath that I’ve been holding.
I cry tiny, whimpering tears.
I am not a warm breeze.
I am a cornered animal.
He is smiling at me
And I am begging for mercy.
Not again
Please, not again.
❤️
